Recap: Twilight: For Dummies
by Major Dover111
Summary: Are you sick of all the edward/bella/jacob hype? Drop by here for some refreshing relaxation from the other boring stories.  It will be worth your time. Trust me, I'm a doctor.              VIVA LA GLITTERTITS!
1. Chapter 1

Twilight: For Dummies  
( What goes through my mind as I watch Twilight.)

**Authors Note:** Ah, the popular movie/book saga. Twilight. The word that puts girls in a frenzy and make  
boys groan with digust. I was persuaded to watch the first movie, well, more of tricked into it. I had previously  
read the books, and, to be truthful, I wasn't very impressed. Now before I get loads of hatemail, there are some really  
swell things about the saga that I like, mainly things that aren't about Edward,Bella, Jacob or Renesemme  
So as I watched the movie, I kept having funny thoughts about the scenes that played before my eyes, so  
the idea of recapping the movie came about. I urge you to be in good humor and to keep an open mind if you  
intend on reading this further, it's mainly for fun and humor, not to piss off any fans of the saga. But,  
hey if it does make you mad, just remember that I am only one lonely and pathetic person, it will make you  
feel better as you curse my name. So sit back, grab a popcorn, perhaps a tissue and enjoy the show!

Oh, and P.S I'm not Stephenie Meyer. Just thought you should know. I'm also not Clint Eastwood either.  
And I don't own the Twilight Saga rights or anything of that nature.  
-

**Scene 1 : Deer Scene/Bella's Voiceover**

Bella: I've never given much thought to how I would die, but dieing in the place of someone I  
love seems like a good way to go.

**Recap:** _The first thing I thought of in this scene was Bambi. Seeing that helpless deer run, from what __I could only imply was a sparklepire, made my heart shatter. It wasn't a gunman that killed Bambis mom, it was a vegetarian __vampire, who knew? _

_I was actually rooting for the deer to get away, but alas. As for Bellas quote, well, I've have given thoughts to how I would die, such as being ate by a shark __or attacked by my pet ferret , but dieing in the place of someone I love? Yea, sure. I __better have a badass funeral though._

**Scene 2: Bella Voiceover/Leaving Home**

Bella: So I can't regret the decision to leave home.

**Recap:** _Ah, the thoughts of a angst,guarded, pale teenager. Feeling the sorrow of leaving home. She would miss the heat, (seriously, the heat?) __and her mother and her mothers boyfriend (awwwww, thats awfully cute, missing her moms boyfriend too) I would be like "Hey, I'm outta here __bitches!" No, I'd cry and beg my mom to take me on the road, whereas she would slap me and tell me to get in the car. _

_Anyways, I see some forshadowing __when she says "this will be a good thing, I think" Of course it will be a good thing Bella! What do you expect to ahppen? that your going to meet_  
_a crazed bloodlust vampire who wants to om nom nom you, and then fall in love with him and meet his bitchy sister and animal killing family?_  
_Haha, oh, Bella, you and your imagination._

**Scene 3: Holy crap, ANOTHER voiceover/awkward car ride with po po dad**

Charlie: Your hair is longer (awkward silence)  
Bella: I cut it since last time I saw you (awkward silence)  
Me: O.o *giggle* *snort*

**Recap:**_ The awkwardness in this scene really makes me apprecaite the fact that...well...I don't have to go see my dad who I haven't seen in "X"_  
_amount of years. So, we find out in this scene that Charlie is the cheif of police to the small town of Forks. So I guess Bellas plans of underage drinking_  
_and sex are out the window. Also that he picks up on, with his spidey senses that Bellas hair has grown longer, well yes, Charlie, that tends_  
_to happen every so often. And Bella just says "I cut it since the last time I saw you" and awkard silence. But seriously folks, I had to replay this scene because_  
_the first time I saw it I was tranced my Charlies mustache. I mean,cmon, that must be what Jesus's looked like. From then on i refered to him as Cheif Charlie Sexy Mustache._

**Scene 4: Chief Charlie Sexy Mustache Home Tour**

Bella: Oh, I forgot, one bathroom

**Recap:**_ Ah, welcome home, Bella, you might like to know that there is only one bathroom, so, it's gonna be awkward if you walk in on your dad dancing to the "Bad Boys" theme_  
_song while playing with his sexy mustache. Oh, your room is quite lovely, I hear it hasn't changed since you were six or seven, so those barbies with the heads ripped off are_  
_probably still there. Something to do at night right? _

_We also focus on a color in this scene. Purple! the sales lady picked it out, cause Charlie, being a man, didn't know __if you would like the poopy brown color he picked and that poster of Jessica Alba half naked. The quote at the end is also something worth mentioning here, "one of the best __things about Charlie, he doesn't hover" Ok, first, why you gotta hate on Sexy Mustache man like that? Why not call him father? Or dad? or maybe even daddy-o? Calling him by __his first name just seems, WRONG. And Charlie doesn't hover. Why would he? You look so damn awkard and depressed, he was probably scared you would cry and ask for some chocolate_  
_and tampons. Awwwkkkkkward._

**Scene 5: Meeting Billy and Jacob/New Truck**

**Recap:** _Now I use the term "new" truck loosely. The truck isn't really new, but Bella actually shows a wee bit of emotion here, so it's worth mentioning. The big thing here is the_  
_introduction of Billy and Jacob Black. The diaglogue between Billy and Charlie actually made me grin a little bit, then Bella started talking and it dissappeared. _

_And we get to meet Mr. __I Like To Take My Shirt Off or his alias name, Jacob. Anywho, Bella and Jacob exhange a few words, something about mudpies and no, Bella, I'm not staring at your hooters. __Jacob also feels the need to tell Bella he fixed the engine for her new shaggin wagon. Congrats bro, why don't you wow her next by doing a Justin Bieber hair flip?_

**Scene 6: New School**

Bella: My first day at a new school, it's March, middle of the semester

**Recap:** _Oh lawd, her first day, I feel for you Bella, new school, no one to talk to you, everyone gives you weird looks, and...oh wait I see_  
_a Eric Yorkie coming up to you and your awkwardness. He knows your name and that your new, "Your Isabella Swan right?" ...See if that were me I would have been like_  
_"No, I'm Ben, Ben Dover". But Eric offers her whatever she needs, how about some emotion? No, all out of that? Hmmm... _

_Bella then proceeds to tell him that she is more of __a suffer in silence type. That's bullcrap. I've read the next three years of your life Bella, you never suffer in silence your always like __"Turn me Edward! I want to be one of you, I'm not normal! BAWWWWWW". I bet that pissed of some of you twilight fans huh? I will proceed to the nest sequence, Gym class.__Bella sure makes an impression "Teh Mike" or Mike Newton, the puppy eyed louurvver. _

_Yea, she bashes his cranium in with a volleyball, he waves it off like "It's all cool bro" __But I bet you he goes home and ices his head while listening to Owl City and cries his eyes out. And cue in Jessica Stanley, she obviously wants Mikes ass. But, of course, Mike is __all up in Bella's kool aid like "Hey I like your tits, wanna go out for some pizza and sex sometime?" and Bella is only thinking "Crap, me and my awkwardness". And then Mike proceeds to tell Bella her own name "Your Isabella right?" No dude she changed it, it's now Raajjjkkkkkffiikki. She corrects him with" No. It's just Bella" and you can so tell Jessica is thinking "Bitch is stealin Mike"_

**Scene 7: Cullen Introduction/Lunch**

Bella: Who are they? (dramatic music)  
Angela: The Cullens

**Recap:** _My favorite scene, mainly because I can make fun of it so much. So it first starts out with Jessica talking, I didn't really listen much, there was a spider crawling up my chair at the time._  
_And Angela is then introduced, I actually like her, she is so nice. And then the signature black dude kisses Bella's cheek and steals Mikes chair,... assjockies. And the three girls resume talking about __speedo padding and eating disorders, normal lunch talk. And then DRAMATIC MUSIC. We see lovely glistening bodies rounding outside the cafeteria. And all the fangirls scream! _

_Jessica and Angela then fill Bella in the juicy news __about how they are Dr. and Mrs. Cullens fosters kids and how they are together "like together, together" Just say it Jessica. They have sex, lots of hot sex. She is jealous. And then a big guy and a playboy bunny walk in. And the fangirls __scream "Ommggzz It's Emmet and Rosalie!" Yes, quite right, now wipe the drool of your face child. Then Jessica questions how legal it is for two adopted siblings to be having scrumdaliumptious lovemaking sessions._

_Next in the lineup are two of my personal favorites, Alice and Jasper. It's quite hard for me to hate on these two. But Jasper does look he is trying not to sh*t his pants, can you say constipated? And Alice is wonderfully __adorable with her elfish looks, I almost punched the screen when Jessica called her weird. And then the big climax, may I present Cullen. Good lord man, you ever hear of a brush? I mean I get that your undead but that's no reason to let __your hair resemble a birds nest. Take some lessons from Jacob, his hair is perfectly silky and smooth, ask him to borrow some of his shampoo. Edward has the same look as Jasper, that "I gotta take a crap" look that makes the girls drool._

_And then Jessica implies that Edward rejected her, your blood obviously didn't smell enough like fruit loops to get him into a blood frenzy over you Jess, I'm sorry. And then Bella and Edward share awkward looks with each other, and I'm on the ground_  
_laughing at Eddies hair._

**Scene 8: Lab/Edwards General Creepiness**

(Not really any quotes in this scene, just funny death glares from a sadistic sparklepire)

**Recap:** _Mike escorts Bella to her next class with the same dude from Thirteen Ghosts, he is the teacher, lovely. Bella decides she is hot or something and stands in front of the fan. And her hair is all like "sswwwiisssshhhhhh, super slow motion,swwiiisshhh" __And Edward plugs his poor ickle nose, at first I thought Bella must really stink. But then I remembered, oh yeah, the blood. Uh huh. So Bella is all embarrassed like, do I stink? What's up? I remembered to put on deodorant._

_So she decides to smell her hair and __informs the audience that it smells like strawberries. O rly? I thought it would smell like the tears of orphans. And Edwardo starts giving her death looks, I would be like "Hey Edward Bedhead, got a prob?" But no Bella gives him her trademark emotionless awkward look_  
_I would also like to point out, that at one point in this scene the statue of the owls wings and Edward line up perfectly so that it gives me the image of Edward with fairy wings. Coin incidence? I THINK NOT!_

_And back to the death glares, Edwards holds his nose and such as Bella becomes __more and more embarrassed. Heck, I would too. But Edward gets up right as the bell rings and proceeds to stomp out like a bitch leaving Bella like "WTF was up with that?" and just leaving me with "WTF?"_

**Scene 9: Bella & Charlie Restaurant/ Bellas PhOnes Mom**

Bella: Well, there all very welcoming

**Recap: **_Ok, so now that I've wet myself from laughing, I needed to find a new pair of trousers. I come out to find Bella and Sexy Mustache Charlie sharing a quiet dinner. A waitress compliments on how grownup Bella is. Well, I don't mean to nitpick, but,uh you haven't seen __her in how many years? _

_What, you think she is like a vampire and doesn't age or something, why don't you expect her to be grownup? Oh and how gorgeous she is. Ok, Bella is actually very pretty, if you get past that awkward look she always has on it, like she just walked in __on her dad and Chewbecca doing the Macarena awkward. _

_And in comes some guy who is going to be important or something, I dunno. And he is referred to as buttcrack Santa. We have someone in our town like that his name is Larry the Cable Guy. And fade into a scene with __Bella talking to her mom. Sad Bella is sad._

**Scene 10: Bella Plans On Confronting The No-Show Edward/ Attack scene**

Bella: More days passed, things were getting a little bit strange.

**Recap:** _Bella is feeling mighty pissed about how Edward-o acted towards her. Maybe because everyone else was so welcoming and he just thought she stank like a Chinese mans dirty underwear. I did enjoy the "I know something you don't know, do da, do da," looks from Edwards __siblings. Making Bella all paranoid and sh*t. Hey if four beautiful creatures were staring at me I'd stare at them right back, maybe even play some Jedi mind tricks._

_And our first attack scene, even you don't count the deer one. Yes a helpless worker is running from Bella's stink. __Just kidding. He is running from vampires, but the real thing is that this whole scene is one big mindf*ck. It makes it seem like perhaps the beautiful vamps at school are behind this, but in reality, it's three much more badass vamps suckin the blood out of unsuspecting victims. __Yea, I told my mom this, she just slapped me and told me to eat my microwave dinner._

**Scene 11: Bella's New Tires/ Edward Returns**

Charlie: The old ones were getting pretty bald (that's what she said)

**Recap:** _Ok, so the highlight of the first scene is Bella slipping on ice, I know, I'm heartless,yadda yadda, and the second part was, as you can see above, a perfect time to drop a "that's what she said" joke. Of course Charlie was talking about her tires and not about a man's scrotum._

_And Edward returns from his emo vacation. The lab scene just made me scratch my head. Their conversation has got to be one of the most awkward things I've ever witnessed. I guess I can't be hard on Edward, he probably hasn't tried talking to a girl since 1906. He asks her about the weather with his __"I really gotta take a sh*t" look. And she stares back at him awkwardly and we even catch a smile, Oh, Bella, you do show emotion! I'm so happy. Ahem. _

_So they are partners for a lab, the whole prophase and metaphase stuff, nothing really interesting, I was actually staring above Edwards head at the statue __of the owl thinking, '"OMG is that Hedwig?". And we follow the two out to the lockers, Bella's holding the prized golden onion. And she comments on how dark Edwards eyes looked the last time she saw him. She memorized his eye color in her fit of terror and embarrassment? Edward uses some lame excuse about the translucent __light and I'm like "Why don't you just say you have colored contacts? " And he stomps away like a little bitch again._

**Scene 12: Edward Rescues Bella/Hospital**

Edward: I was standing right next to you Bella

**Recap:** _Oh, what a lovely scene Bella is almost turned into a pancake by what appears to be hippie van. And Edward with his super human speed saves her. Damn. Ha. Just kidding. The look he gives her is priceless, its that "I still gotta take a crap, but I need to make it look sexy for the female viewers". __And I love how he just gets up and stomps away like a bitch again! It's all like "Ok, nothing to see here, she almost got killed, I'm just gonna walk away now". And everyone is like "OMG Bella are you ok? Are you hurt? Did you die?" __And I love,love,love the look on Jaspers face, it looks like he is off to smack a bitch._

_And Bella is still reeling from what happened like '"gosh, did I almost just show emotion?" And since Bella has no apparant injuries she is carted off to the hospital where her dad comes in demanding to know if she is alright. Tyler, Bella's would be murderer if Edward hadn't interviened, makes a few comments before being __basically pimped slapped by Charlie. And Dr. Cullen is introduced. Ok, now, if he was my doctor I'd get thrown out for sexual harassment trying to grab his ass. But Bella being Bella is only concerned about talking about Edward. And then Edward and Bella start talking outside the hospital room, but not before Rosalie __tosses her a death glare, those seem to be pretty popular in that family. _

_Bella wants to know how Edward got to her so fast, he says "I was standing right next you" and Bella is like "Na uh, I was stalking you and you were standing right by your shiny volvo" Edward insults her IQ and walks out like a damn bitch again, but this time, with swag._

As you can see I haven't even got halfway through the movie, don't worry kiddos, give me a can of Coca Cola and some cheetos I'll be done with the next recap of the next half in a hour.

My sympathy if I made you mad. But you didn't have to read it.

Please to forward to th next half in a week or so, where we get to meat family and jokes resume about how his boobs glitter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note**: So, the next half of the movie. Ah, perhaps even more humorous than the first. Yes, my readers, tis I, Major Dover, with the new recap scenes from Twilight. Now, I urge you, once again, to be in good humor, don't be in a bad mood when you read this, cause frankly I don't wanna hear you on my review board nagging about how your wife/husband forgot to pick up the kids or forgot to microwave dinner. And teens, pur-lease, no matter how much you love Edward Sparklepants, don't bitch at me for making fun of the movie. I know your all like "Omg but Bella and Edward are perfect!" and "Jacob is soo hawt", yes dears, I know. I know. This is only for fun and my own sick amusement.

And I'd like to send out a special thank you to my first reviewers Rosna and MisguidedGhostTwilighter,  
Thank you for your reviews, they made me grin, and that's very hard to do.

And as I said, I'm not Stephenie Meyer or Johnny Depp for that matter, but if I were, I'd look at myself naked. I do not own Twilight or any such thing.

~Sit back and relax kiddies~

...

**Scene 13: Mike Prom Request /Field Trip**

Bella: Prom...dancing...(no sh*t sherlock)

_As we open up this scene we are struck with an intution that Bella is still thinking about how Sparkleshorts saved her from a crushing gruesome death. Or she just really likes to look at the rusty brown color of her truck, oh and she also gives a stalker look at Edward, so I put 2 and 2 together. And in comes Mike. He asks Bella to prom, but she isn't listening, all she probably hears is "blah blah blah yack yack, __I like your boobs, blah blah yack yack" Bella is too busy giving Edward looks of O.o (drooolll, gaahhh) _

_And when she comes back to reality, Mike is all like "So whadda think?" Bella has her trademark awkward face on and Mike has to repeat himself, Mike doesnt like to repeat himself. But he did. Dear lord, she rejects him. Who saw that one coming? No Sir. Psh. Holding out for a man who sparkles when he walks on the beach. Good lord. Good lord. Good lord. _

_And cue in creepy teacher telling people to get their asses on them buses. And cut into scene with greenhouse. Now where is Professor Sprout at? Oh, wrong movie, my bad. And creepy teacher has a cup of what looks like liquidfied sh*t. Yum. And the "would be murderor of Bella" dude takes it, I think he is going to drink it. Lovely._  
_And oh look, there is Bella, lookin all weird, i wonder if she knows that Edward is about to talk to her? He takes no time to insult her when she trips. Haha, oh how I laughed at Edwards abusive tenedencies. Oh and Bella is still curious how Bedhead there stopped that van. He said "google it" So I did google it actually "What does it mean when a creepy bloke who sparkles saves me from a van?" it said to go ask Jeeves. Back to where I was, Edward apologizes for his rudeness, but he thinks its better. Oh, ok Ike Turner._

_He really thinks they shouldnt be friends. Is it because she is black Edward? You racist. Oh and here comes to Jessica, telling Bella that Mike asked her to prom, making Edward stomp out like an emo kid from the suburbs. Bella is probably relieved she has Mike off her back so she can concentrate on more important matters, like stalking a bloodthirsty sparkling vampire. Holy Jeebus, Edward stops her again at the bus yet again, saying we shouldnt be friends, ok hang on there, when did you two even become friends? Was it after that romantic death stare down you had with her the first day? Naww, was it insulting her intellgiance at the hosptial naww. _

_Gee, I just don't know. Anyways, Bella actually has a good thought. Why didn't Edward just let the van crush her? She woulda survived, with a couple of bruises here and there, maybe a fractured spine. At least at the end, after Edward is done insulting Alice asks if Bella is going to be riding with them. But Edward says "NO ALICE NO, I'm suffering, I can't have her on the bus, I'm a monster! BAAWW" __No he just says the bus is full...that bitch. Did I ever tell you Jaspers hair looks like sex? Mhhhmmmmm_

**Scene 14: Edward and Bella at Lunch/ La Push**

Eric: It's La Push baby...La Push

_So. After Eric makes it apparant that the beach they want Bella to go to is La-Push, she goes for some om nom noms. She is an artist with her fruit I must say, so delicate they way she lays them in the bowl and...whoopsies..an apple falls out, probably running away from Bellas awkwardness. But, alas the apple is caught by Edward. Hmmhmmmm..that is a rather symbolic moment...it almost looks like that picture off the co...OOHHHH I see what you did thar..._

_Very nice touch. But anyways Edward gives her this pedophile smile and I'm like 'WTF, someone call Chris Hansen on this sparklepire". Edward makes it clear that it's not good for them to be friends, not that he didn't want them to be. He is more bi-polar than a mentstrual 17 year old.__Holy Jeebus. Maybe he gets like a man period or something. Speaking of which how do the vamps cope with all the girls periods? Jasper especially ...oh another thought for another day_

_Back to the scene annnddddddddd BAM there goes Bella off on some tangent about how Eddies moods give her whiplash. Lolwut? "If you were smart, you'd stay away from me" Lol, Bella isn't a genius Eddie, even you said so yourself, everything about you lures her in your face, your smell, your body, heck even that pile of mush you call sexy hair. So how can you expect her to stay away? I mean, gosh, your stalkerish tenedencies and terible hair, I couldn't stay away from you. Oh and your boobs glitter, but we'll get to that later._

_ And they talk about superhero stuff and how lame the new spiderman comic book is. Then Bella invites him to beach, he declines. Too crowded ya know? I wouldn't be able to show my sparkle stick in peace. And we proceed to La-Push beach. Nice, cold weather. Who wouldn't wanna go swimming? Then I see a girl out in the distance walking towards Bella who is sitting in the death machine that almost killed her. Then I lol'd cause that's not a girl it's Jacob! (Insert fangirls scream here) And he brought two other long haired friends along. After some minor Edward bashing we find Jacob and Bella alone (insert fangirls scream here) (insert Edward/Bella shippers angry screams here)_

_I think she is attempting to flirt with Pocochontas over there but I'm not sure. And he proceeds to tell her an old tale, all I here is blah blah blah foreshadowing blah blah blah foreshadowing blah blah blah foreshadowing. Basically he tells her about how vampires and wolves hate each other. and the scene finally ends, good god man, all that and you guys didnt even go whale watching?_

**Scene 15: Attack 2 ft. Buttcrack Santa/ Random scenes ft Bella, Jessica and Angela**

Laurent: James, let's not play with our food

_Buttcrack Santa is on a boat. Loud unessacary noises, and a redhead with a bad white coat appears. Buttcrack Santa givers her a pedo smile. __But then 2 others appear, a hobo and jamacian with dreads, holla! So a redhead, a hobo and jamacian walk into a bar and... __I'll leave that joke for some other time. So, Buttcrack wants to know what they are, and hobo responses with 'It's always the same, who are you, what do you want, __what kind of shampoo do you use?" And then Buttcrack gets ate. om nom nom nom._

_ There are some random scenes here, Bella researching for a book, __probably "How to Talk to Passive Aggresive Guys: For Dummies" and some Jessica tanning and telling Bella Sparklepants won't be in school cause it's sunny and Edward is part albino, and then Angela and Jessica trying on prom dresses while Bella sits there like a pumpkin and works on her awkward mannerisms._

**Scene 16: Bella Almost Gets Raped/Edward & Bella Dinner**

Edward: I hear everyones thoughts, but yours. (Ever think because she doesn't have any?) (insert angry fans screams here)

_Ok, so Bella is bored with Jessica and Angela trying on dresses. So she goes off by herself to a bookstore and picks out a lovely book about vampires,_  
_although she doesn't know it yet. And dadadadada she is walkin down the street swinging her hips when suddenly, FRAT BOYS. Luckily Bella is mastered in the art of kung fu, but before she can put her moves on those scumbags, a mean, realy intimading shiny volvo pulls off. BEEP BEEP. I swear that car just screams "I'm gayyyy". And out pops a seriously pissed off Edward. _

_He basically commands Bella to get in the car and make him a sammich, ok well not the last part. Then he gives those guys a really weird look , one that I can only describe as "I just crapped my pants" face and they run in terror. I wonder if he practices that in the mirror. And then vroom, they are off in Edwards gay mobile. Edward is an emotional driver. It makes Bella really uncomfortable. , And vroom they meet Jessica and Angela at the resturant. _

_They ate already while Bella was almost gang banged. Edward accompanies Bella inside the resuarant, demanding she eat something. The waitress made me laugh, scamming all up on Edwards kool aid. Thinkin about running her fingers into his meshul of hair. Makin Bella jealous. Good times. Bella orders what looks to be a digusting dish, then again, I hate mushrooms. I bet Edward does too, that sparkle bitch._

_So, Edward lets Bella have it as he says he can read peoples thoughts. Like Sookie from Tru Blood. And he goes off on peoples thoughts "sex, sex, money, sex, cat, Nickleback, Jacobs ass" __musta been a Jacob fan in that resturant somehwere. There's a twist though, he can't read Bellas thoughts, seriously, does she have any? Just kiddin Twilight fans...maybe. __Erm..so..Edward says in a creepy voice that he doesnt have the strength to stay away anymore. Phew, load off my mind let me tell you. I would not take any of my strength to stay away from Bella. No sir._

**Scene 17 Bella & Edwards Car Ride/ Charlie & Bella Police Station**

_After a strange dinner and new secrets about sparklepants, they are back in the gay mobile, driving along the stretch of highsway. Bella decides she is warm enough and goes to turn off the heater but Edward bein all gentlemen and sh*t goes in to turn it off too. And their fingers touch. O.o_

_ Bella comments on how cold Edward is, perhaps you should buy him a Snuggie? Then Edward gives her a look like "Oh sh*tsickles she's on to me" And they pull up to the local police station. It seems Bellas dad and Edwards "adopted" dad are there still. Curious they stumble out of the shiny gay mobile and we run into Carslie Cullen, or Dr. I Wanna Touch Yer Ass. He tells Bella that her fathers good friend (aka Buttcrack) has died. Now, I'm heartless, but I'm not that heartless so making fun of the next scene is not right, __it was actually one of the more believable scenes, Bella even shows emotion._

**Scene 18: Bella's Vampire Book/ Famous Forest Scene**

Bella: How old are you?  
Edward: 17 Bella: How long have you been 17?  
Edward: A while...

_Ah, Bella turns in for the night with a bit of light reading. Lalala while turning the pages, she comes across some words, "fast, strong and immortal", and this reminds her of one person. __Chuck Norris. Haha, I keed! I keed! It reminds her of Edward, because he is fast and strong and creepy. _

_She finally puts the pieces together. Edward is A werewolf! Um, no Bella, neXt book honey. Oh, Edward is a VAMPIRE! And at this point I get up and clap for Bella, for finally figuring it out. Now she plans on confroting Edward about his disease the next day. They decide to take a lovely hike through the woods. They stop in a small clearing and Bella stands there like there is something stuck up her bum. She asks "how long have you been 17?", and he asks if she has a calculator._

_She then proceeds to tell him that his skin is ice cold and blah blah. And she also says "I know what you are" just get on with it Bella, some of your auidence have to take a poop. __And Edward goes all creepy again and says "Say it, outloud" Now, there are lots of things I could say Edward is, but vampire or monster wouldn't be my top choices. Fairy, Hobo Hair Guy, and gay volvo owner all top my list though. But alas, she says "Vampire" . And Edward ,of course, goes off on how vampires suck blood, yes Edward, WE KNOW! But Bella isn't afraid of him._

_ So instead of saying "thank you Bella, __or not being afraid of something I can't help" he goes all apesh*t on her and tell her she needs to see him in the sun. Oh, and the laughing ensues. He unbuttons his shirt (insert fangirl screams here) and BAM, he sparkles like the Jonas Brothers and Lady Gaga, if I lay down a "disco stick" joke, will you get it? _

_A million jokes came to my mind, a million folks! But I'm sure you have heard them all. And he shows off his impossible strength and tells Bella how vampires are the most dangerous predators. And the famous line "So the lion fell in love with the lamb", I get that quote now, Edward bein the lion (aka predator) and Bella being the lamb (aka the prey) It's really sick and twisted but kudos to Stephenie Meyer, I see that quote EVERYWHERE now. __My gay friend even has it on his thigh. _

_But I'm confused, when did they even become friends, let alone fall in love, when and where was that line crossed? But anywhos they lay in the grass and just stare at each other. Kinda boring and creepy. And Bella gets to see him and his tits sparkle. Viva La Glittertits! Haha. Oh Edward, shine on you prissy diamond. Shine on._

_..._

Ok kiddies, due to a lack of time, I haven't gotten all the way through the movie, since these recaps are quite a bit longer than my previous ones.  
But I will manage to keep recaping the next scenes and so forth when time is not a bitch to me. So until then, wipe the drool off your face gals and read some books that aren't Twilight!

Cia~


	3. Chapter 3

Authors Note: Well...I'm bbaaccckkk (insert fangirls angry screams here) settle down girls, I know your mad at me for punching fun at Twilight, but it's all in good humor. So, due to lack of time I didn't get all the wya through the movie in the second chapter. Let me tell you kiddies college and highschool classes are a bitch. :P Anyways I found some time in my busy schedule (due to college classes, eating,sleeping,being an ass and sacrifing Edward Cullen dolls)  
to finish (hopefully) the end of recapping Twilight. So let's stop chatting and get on with the show eh?

PS. Go listen to Katy Perrys "Peacock", best song EVAR.

PSS. I'm not Stephenie Meyer, and it's not because I'm not mormon, I'm seriosuly not her. I'm also not Jackson Rathbone , if I was I'd makeout with myself. what? You know you would too

-.

**Scene 19:** **Rainy sequence with Edward and Bella/ Bella fixin her truck**

Edward: I'm gonna take you to meet my family

**Recap:** _Ok, so we start off with a rainy sort of dreary backdrop. Edward explains to Bella how Carlisle (aka Tush) __turned him and Esme. Edward really didn't look like he enjoyed having teeth sunk into him in the flashback. Esme, though, looked like she was throughly enjoying it. Who could blame her? And then Ediie tells Bella how they feed on animals and call themselves "vegetarians" Ok, not to nitpick again, but according to a vegetarian would qualify as a person who doesn't eat "meat". And uhhh...hey Cullens...those animals you are sucking down like a bloody mary are meat._  
_But then again they aren't actually eating the meat..so I guess..I'll put a sock in my mouf. _

_He compares their diet to eating Tofu, trust me Edward, I would rather suck animals dry than eat tofu, we had a tofu turkey for Thanksgiving, lets just say I called KFC later that night. So we see Edward do some kind of fairy/vampire jumping trick. Awesome, now your a damn acrobat? And we zoom into a scene where Bella is trying to get that dent that Glittertits left when he saved her life._  
_And then BAM, he jumps on the damn truck again! WTF? You ever tried getting dents out with human strength? It's not easy you sparkling diamond. _

_And Edward tells Bella he is going to take her to meet his family. LOLwut? Bring a human to a house full of vampires, when Bellas blood seems to have some speshul stench that smells like fruit loops? (insert facepalm here) Oh lawd. But instead of concern about the vampires om nom noming her, she is afraid that they won't like her. Let me tell you something Bella, I'd be much more concerened with people trying to drink me like a redneck with a can of budlight, then stand there worrying if they like me. But hey, we all have different views. Eddie now has to go due to a complication. I thought the complication was Bella just started her period and Edward could smell it. _

_But no, some of the tanned long haired er...men come driving up in truck. Its Billy and Jacob (insert fangirls scream here) Billy provides a forshadow moment and Jacob is staring at Bellas ass. (facepalm goes here)_

**Scene 20:** **Meeting The Family/ Spidermonkey Forest Scene/Piano**

Rosalie: Is she even Italian?  
Emmett: Well, her name is Bella.

**Recap:** _Edward takes Bella to meet his family. And wow, their house is nice. Alices visions must come in handy with the lottery and stock market. I wonder if Jasper would allow me to borrow her for a week? And, dee da they walk into the house and Bella is surprised that there are no coffins, oh Bella, __why in the Earth would VAMPIRES need coffins? I mean where did you ever hear a crazy thing like that? Haha, next your gonna tell that vampires are suppose to burst into flames when sunlight hits them. Oh, your so silly Bella. So silly. Edward dissaproves all "legends" about vampires. And by dissaprove I mean he basically tells her vampires ,in the mind of Stephenie Meyer, are gentle sparkling faires.(aka Sparklepires, Meyerpires, Imgaypires) Well, besides the bloodthirsty redhead, jamacian dread guy and hobo James. And perhaps you can include Jasper, __but you'll have to see New Moon to find out why. _

_They go up and up the stairs and then we cut into a rather homey scene of Emmett, Carlisle Sexy Ass, Esme and Rosalie cooking some Italian food. __Rosalie pops the question "Is she even Italian?"And Emmett with all his intellect says "Well her name is Bella". Wow, emmett I can 100 years of highschool has paid off for you. And Bellas smell drifts into the room. I bet you Emmett popped a boner of something, just because of Bella speshul smell. Ewwww. And Edward and Bella enter. Esme is all motherly and such, cooking Bella a meal, but Bella has ate. That bitch. And Rosalie has a bf (bitch fit) and breaks a glass bowl. I love her. She is all steamed because Edward dating a human could cause more focus on their family. Rose has a point. _

_Bella insist she would never tell anybody. Except her diary. And Esme believes as does Carlisie but Rosalie doesn't like this one bit. She is being a furry little bitch about it. god, I love her! __Next we see Alice and Jasper hop off a tree and into the house. LOLwut? Alice is all cheerful and happy as a kid on Christmas. She hugs Bella and comments on good she smells. __Awkward. And she's all like "We're going to be great friends!" I love the look on Bellas face. It's like "Uh...na-uh..I'm gonna spend most of time trying to take Edwards virginity" See, what Alice is doing is trying to f*ck with Bellas mind, saying their gonna be great friends. _

_See, if that were me, I'd screw with Alices mind right back. I'd be like "Great friends huh? Is that before of after your boyfriend there tries to make me his dinner in the next book?" And now we see Jasper, standing there like he really has to take a steaming poop. Jasper is the newest vegeterian so it's hard for him. At least Jasper is semi-vampirish, having to control his bloodlust, well the rest of you are all up in Bellas smell saying how great it is. Jeebus!_

_And Jasper says "How do you do?" Aw, such a nice gentlemen. And Alice goes "It's ok Jasper, you won't hurt her" and then a voice in the background says "you obviously haven't read New Moon" Haha. _

_Oh and Bella and Edward continue on the tour of the house. They stumble upon Edwards room, it's full of CDs, I'm guessing which are like Owl City, Celine Dion, Elton John, Snow Patrol, you know, stuff of that nature. Bella, with her incredible intelluct, asks Edward "No bed?" "No, I don't sleep" was Edwards reply. What he really meant was "Uh, no, I don't have sex" He is saving his virtue for his true love, while all the other Cullens and scrumping every night. He then proceeds to try to dance with Bella. Really Bella? You just can't move your feet around, gotta act all awkward? She claims she can't dance, Edwards response "Well, I could always make you" Ummm...ok...__which part of that wasn't the most creepiest thing I've heard? That or the next line Bella says, which is "I'm not scared of you" Then your so dumb. Fo real. You are really dumb. _

_He then grabs her and hoist her on his back and jumps out the window. WEEEeeeeeeeeeee "Better hold tight Spidermonkey" At that point I would kick Edward in his sparkle balls and disco stick, and get the hell out of there. Adn they go for a magic carpet ride and he climbs up a tree like a spider. Creepy folks. Creepy. And they sit in a tree and drink tea and such. Lovely. Then it snaps into Bella Lullaby. It's actually a nice song. No hate here. But I love Bellas love gazing at Edward picturing him in his power rangers boxers. The Lulz I had._

**Scene 21: Charlie & Bella Resturant/Kissing Scene**

Mike: He looks at you like your something to eat

**Recap:** _So, Bella pulls into the resuarant driveway, which all the kids seem to be swarming. Maybe is't an all you can eat buffet day or something. Mike is there also. Lulz. He seems to be concerned about Eddies and Bella relationship. "He looks at you like your something to eat". No. No. Mike. Your confusing Edward with Jasper. Edwars stares at her intently just in case she trips on thin air and breaks her neck. Jasper stares at her like Rosie O'Donnell stares at a Mcdonalds menu._

_And Bella just loloks scandilized and walks into the resuarant. And BAM, Stephenie Meyer makes an appearance, Seriously she does. She is on her laptop probably counting the millions she is making off this movie. Bella sits down and sexy mustache Charlie listens to the waitress about the recent killings. Sad mood is sad. _

_And now, one of my favorite parts. We get into a scene where Bella is talking to her mom. On the phone. In case you were wondering. Bella doesnt wanna go home because of a boy, and her mom is all like "OMG!, is he a jock is he indie?" And then Edward appears on her bed. *He's climbin in yo windows, he's snatchin your people, trying to rape em, so ya need to hide yo wife, hide yo kids and hide yo husbands, cuz they rapin ever'body out there* __Sorry, but the "Bed Intruder" song is Edwards theme song for Twilight._

_As I was sayin her mom is all concerned "OMG, are you being safe?" I'd be like "Yes mom, I'm wearing a helmet on the bus and I'm not licking windows anymore..and..oh you mean sexual things? Oh, nah, he's a vampire, his sperm is cold and dead". Bella asks Edward if he climbs in her window alot. "Just the past couple of months" Ok. I laughed so hard at that. Bella is all looking at him like that is the romantic thing in the world. Ah hell no. You think I want my lover to see my drooling, farting and moaning Orlando Blooms name is my sleep? No..._

_Plus it's just creepy. That is all. He also likes watching her sleep. I shudder to think if Bella had a dream she was having sex with him and she was like making all these perverted noises while Edward just stands there like "WTF is she dreaming aboot?"_

_Now, the most awkward part of the movie. Edward is like "Don't move" and he comes closer and closer and closer, and I started humming the "Jaws" theme music. And oh he kisses her. He looks like he is either in pain or trying not to orgasm. To give him credit this is his first time ever kissing a girl. I bet you he had this all planned out. He's thinking "Ok, I'm gonna try to kiss Bella __tonight,hmmm...I wonder if my kissing skills are up to par...I know..I will go pratice on my pillow" _

_He proably drew like a smiley face where Bellas lips and eyes and nose would be. You know Emmett and Jasper probably gave him so much sh*t for that. _

_Ok, so back to the scene Bella practically tries to sex up the poor virgin vampire and he back away saying "NNOOOO Bella...not until we are married can I take your virtue, not until we are married!" You know Jasper probably f*cked with his emotions before he left, making Edward more nervous and lustful. So instead of making out and touching each other thay talk about stuff that I didn't really pay attention too. _

_I was imagining how great it would be Emmett and Jasper were outside the window,_  
_screwing with Edwards emotions and thinking dirty thoughts so Edward would be distracted, haha they would proably be making perverted noises too._

**Scene 22:**** Meeting Charlie/Baseball**

James: You brought a snack

**Recap:** _Oh, meeting the father. Meeting the father with the sexy intimdating mustache. This scene was pretty funny. I won't go too much into detail but Bella takes Edward to meet Charlie. Charlie is all like "Lol you gonna take Bella to play baseball" EDward is all like "LOL yea, it will be funny to heckle her as she plays"_

_And their off in Edward gaymobile, they drive into a big clearing where EDwards family are gonna play baseball. Americas pastime, vampires pastime too I guess. It's pretty funny when Rosalie gave Bella death stare when she called "Out". Emmett is like "oh hell yea" and then he saw Rosalies face and was thinking "I'm so not getting laid tonight". Jasper and Carslie were mighty smexy as they batted. Oh and at one point, Edward flipped off Emmett. I laughed a little. _

_Then Alice gets a faraway look on her face and we see three figures approaching. All the Cullens run and surround Bella. Then we see the three vampires who killed Santa Claus. It's the redhead, the jamaican with dreads and the hobo. _

_They ask him if they can play. Sure why not? You seem like nice folks. And just as their walking away, Bellas hair does that swwisshhiinngng slow motion thing again. That seems to cause alot of problems. James ahas the best line *Sniff* "You brought a snack" __Yea, doritos and coca cola, want some? And then everybody proceeds to go apesh*t. All snarlin and sh*t. _

_And Bella is just like "Huh? Do I smell like rotten toenials again?" Edward then drags Bella back to the jeep, straps her in and takes off into the night. VROOM VROOM._

**Scene 23: ****Bellas Goodbye/Hotel Scene/ Dance Studio**

James: Tell Edward to avenge you!11111

**Recap:**_ I decided to clump these altogether cause frankly I'm lazy. So Edward and Bella race back to Bellas house, because I guess James was affected by Bellas speshul smell. WTF does she smell like? Money and hookers? _

_So she goes home and tells Charlie that she can't live there anymore on account of vampires hunting her. Nah she tells him she just can't stand it in Forks anywhere. The scene would havve actually broke my heart if Bella had shown any emotion in it. I did feel bad for Charlie, if it was horribly done, it's not easy for a father to hear those things from his daughter. _

_And they are back in Edwards car and sad Bella is sad. They arrive at the Cullens garage and Rosalie is like "Why should I help the human, what is she to me?" If I was there I would have been like "Dinner" But alas, they haul Bella off into another car and Alice and Jasper taking her away. _

_Oh noes poor Eddikins. And vroom they are off again. Leaving an emo EDward. Bella calls her mom to tell her everything is fine and that she is "being safe". LOL. We see a scene where Rosalie is grinding up against a tree to displace Bellas smell on it. Great, a tree that smells like fruit loops. And back again to another scene where Bella is sayin at a hotel with Jazzy and Alice. She finaly gets a call but not from her mom...from that hobo in the field._

_He's like "It's the hobo, I want you to abandon your friends that can protect you, go unarmed to the dance place where that elfish looking girl just predicted I would end up, and I will show where Edward keeps the key to his chasity belt" Naw, he actually has her mom. So she somehow eludes away from two hypersenstive vampires, one who can the future. Ironic? Yes. So she hops inot the cab and arrives at studio._

_All distressed she searches for her mom and only finds a home video of her being a bratty 7 year old. Then POOF heres comes the hobo. And he plays around with Bella for a few minutes and slices her opena couple of times, tosses her into a wall, normal stuff you see on Jersey Shore. And then Edward appears all pissy and starts to bash James face in, not beofre he gets one bite out of Bella though._  
_Didn't your mom ever tell you not to eat junk food? _

_And more bashing, Edward takes a junk out James, Carsisle appears, Jasper and Emmett start a bonfire and start dancing around as they tear James apart. Bella is in agony and Edward is completeyl ingoring for a of minutes and Carlisle gives him the option of either letting Bella turn or sucking the venom out. Oh, he sits there for a couple of minutes contemplating the thought as Bellas screams fill the room. _

_Meanwhile Emmett and Jasper are orasting marshmellows in the background. Fianlly Edward decides to suck out the venom and Bella gets this retarded look on her face and her visions start getting hazy and she goes on an acid trip._

**Scene 24:** **Hospital/Prom**

Bella: BAWWWW I don't wanna be human!

**Recap:**_ Last scenes yeaahh! So Bella wakes up all f*cked up and dazed. Her mom is there. They share a friendly chat. Edward is in the corner snoozin. LOL. Bellas mom exits and Edwards wakes up. LOL. _

_Bella has a hissy fit about Edward leaving her and he is like "I'm not gonna leave you Bella" and then a voice in the background shouts "You obviously haven't read New Moon either!" _

_And cut to the scene. Bella in a dress. Her leg in a cast. Edward lookin all snazzy. They go to prom .Edward makes Bella dance, not before she compliments Jessica boobs. _

_Bella whines about being a human. Good lord. She wants to throw it all away to be with a guy she met a couple months ago. He declines. She complains. He rages. She complains. They kiss. The END._

Hoorah. Done finally! Aren't you all glad? Don't get to comfortable, though, Twilight fans, look for my upcoming sequal Recap: New Moon: For Dummies.

And as a special bonus, I will be writing a humorous look into Edwards Cullen diary from Twilight to Breaking Dawn. So, again, look for my upcoming specials (Edward Cullens Diary: Twilight, ) (Edward Cullens Diary: New Moon,) (Edward Cullens Diary: Eclispe) ,(Edward Cullens Diary: Breaking Dawn)

Coming out in winter 2011!

Cia


	4. Sneak Peek: New Moon Recap

Bonus! Bonus!

Well since I love all my readers, I decided to add a little something special for ya :)  
A little teaser if you will. A nice little something to tide you over until my next recap with New Moon

Sit back and prepared to be Twilightitized

-!

Exercpt from Recap:New Moon: For Dummies (appalause)  
(only a couple of scenes to tease you with, I'm such a bitch huh?)

**Scene 1: Dream Sequence/Birthday Bella**

Charlie: Is that a gray hair?

_We start off with Bella Swan having an acid trip dream. She is running in a bright sunny place where only good things can happen, and then POOF, she is in a forest clearing. See what's wrong with this picture? well it gets worse. __She sees an old lady in the distance, it looks like Helen Keller from here, but no! It's Bellas granny. I can see where Bella gets her awkwardness from._

_ And then something shiny catches my eye, what could it be? None other than Edward Glittertits Cullen. I thought he died in the last book? Damn. So Ward-O steps out into the sunlight, sparrkkklllyyy (do that in a gay mans voice) and Bella is like "Noooo! Edward!, if my grandma sees you she will mistake you for Lady Gaga". And Edward is like "Bitch, take my hand and lets talk to this old hag" So the two lovebirds go hand in hand to the old woman. Bella begins to introduce Sparkles to her grandma but then something catches her eye. Her grandma is making indentical movements as her, like an epic game of Simon Says. _

_Bella is confused and like "WTF granny, you still on your meds?" And then hits Bella like a brick, the old hag is Bella. Oh noes, Bella got U-G-L-Y she aint no alibi, she ugly yeah yeah she ugly. I wonder if Bella actually got that old if Edward and her would still have sex? I mean he already bitches at how fragile she is at 17, imagine her at like 99 trying to Edward in the sack. Edward would all be like "Noooooo! Bella, please take your hand off my trousers love, you are too old and fragile, I cannot bear to think what would happen to your aging bones if I lost control. No Bella I'm not being cocktease, its too dangerous, I'm a monster BAAAWWW" _

_Hehe. Anyways Bella is pissy about this and then Edward kisses Bella wrinkly old hand and wishes her a happy birthday. Indeed, Edward, it tis a happy birthday. And Bella wakes up from her dream. Ok, that's a f*cked up dream, __I mean, I don't even have dreams like that, and one time I dreamed I was a fried egg and my mom was trying to drown me in ketchup and I was like "What the F*ck Mom? Are you going to eat me? NNOOOOOO"_

_ Lulz. So Charlie Sexy Mustache comes in and gives her presents. YYEEAAYYY presents oh, its only a camera and a scrapbook. Well, at least I can take nude pictures for Eddikins now. And Charlie makes a crack about Bellas gray hair. Score one for Charlie. And Bella gets all pissy, blah blah._

**Scene 9: Bellas Depression**

Bella: ...(depressing violin music)

_Oh, how I laugh at Bellas pain. No, I'm not that bad, but seriously, she had a depression for like 4 months. I mean she really should have saw this coming. She saw the way Jasper looked at her like a cheezburger the first day they met. And seriously, I will say once again, who the f*ck get's a papercut on wrapping paper?__And who just stands there and says "Oouch, papercut" and lets it drip like a fountian? Oh boy. So Bella is sitting in a chair all emo and we see the seasons change._

_I bet that chair is sick and tired of Bellas sh*t. She writes to Alice like everyday, telling her random emo things like "I should shave my head, it will be bare like my heart!" and 'Oh Alice, everything reminds of Edward. Today I saw a glitter pen and I colored all over my pillow with it and cried into it for hours, pretending it was Edward! BAAWWW" Oh Bella go find Mike and give him some thrusts, it will help you._


End file.
